Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Gullible & vulnerable or just being me?

Gullible - when you are easily fooled
Vulnerable - capable of being hurt physically or emotionally
Just being me - topics from this weeks meeting ..

On Monday this week I held my monthly fibromyalgia support meeting at my home. The day started off pretty much as always , awaiting my carer to help me into the shower. I popped my lansoprazole for my ongoing heartburn a side effect from taking so much mediction the last 8 years . I drank my fiber and took my bisocodyl in the hopes that I might not have to resort to another dose of picolax just to pass a bowel movement . I took a good long look in the mirror and decided today I would save some energy and let my hair dry naturally as a lot of it has fallen out now on my new medication and chose to not wear make up as today I do not need a face on - I can relax amongst those who understand and be me. I looked in the mirror and smiled - 'I am ..well ... me' !

The funny thing is I have been hosting these meeting for a very long time , it always amazes me that each month I feel refreshed and renewed as we meet to catch up on day to day living. We escape our pretending to be normal and get to open up and be honest.  I have always considered myself to be a researcher a seeker of truth and yet I have also been very gullible when it comes to listening to people who I wrongly assume know my body better than I do. This lead to me admitting that when I was unable to leave my mobility scooter I had of course become so desperate for answers that I would have tried anything just to get better. It opened a general discussion and it was interesting to hear how vulnerable we become when we allow ourselves to yearn for what we no longer have.
Mobility scooter mum banned from school run.
 I  did not realise how precious my time swinging with the kids at the park , or swimming or running were until I was physically unable to do more than sit and watch . I became a spectator on life yearning for what I had lost. for awhile consumed with a sense of bereavement I went through anger,guilt and shame at not being useful. This was my perception of what I had become - but it was only my perception as others who know me will tell you I was contributing 100%  but all I saw was failure . I think it is amazing that we are so harsh on ourselves .
 We would never dream of saying to anyone else half of the things we tell ourselves. It is only when I chose to open up to new things that changes began.  So I spent a lot of my time researching and reading. I looked for inspirational stories to lift my spirits and remind myself that everyone everywhere is on their own journey.  Every day was a fight with myself and inner turmoil of emotions and I struggled to keep them under lock and key as I could not allow myself the self pity or face the shame of tears. I was the strong one , the one who was always smiling and busy and active . The mum who had open houses and organised themed balls. I dashed up and down the country helping set up charities and editing newsletters . My life had been full and yet it had been full of fake smiles for both media and TV crew and sadly even my own family.
Support from my fellow spoonies!
 In 2007 I sat in a room of strangers I had just listened to a very touching story and I began to cry , not for me but because I suddenly felt a loss of control of my emotions I had let go. I asked if I could leave the room so as not to disturb her talking and the doctor asked me to stay and asked me ' why do you want to go , what are you feeling?' It was at this time that I wanted to scream out in self defense as if suddenly under attack ' I feel vulnerable and do not want to talk about it as it would not be fair to take up your time when clearly other people need it more - I am tired of being treated like some gullible fool swallpwing your advise to keep my chin up , stay positive you have no idea what I am feeling !'. But all I did was cry . It was a turning point - I suddenly realised I was very capable of listening and helping but not of sharing my story and that for as long as I could remember I had indeed not allowed myself to let go.

With thanks to Alexa Wright for adding to my journey .

My sanskrit tattoo a constant reminder.
These days I express my emotions though poetry,blogging and sharing my time to help others . I am greatful to all of  you who take the time to send me emails and leave me little comments . It reminds me that the best thing I could do for myself was to accept and love myself first . Daftly those of you who have met me will see I have a tattoo on my hand that was once paralysed - it is written in sanskrit - it is a reminder to love yourself before you love another . Loving yourself is about acceptance, taking a good look at your self . Giving yourself permission to let go , have a bad day , have a good laugh , whatever it is that you need . I think we often try too hard ..When is the last time you took a look at yourself in the mirror and said 'I am' and just smiled ?

Sunday, 16 September 2012

my mum0f6 survival kit :-) thanks to Marie for adding to my kit x

I wrote an article back in 2001 for a mainstream parenting magazine PRIMA Baby on the value of sleep and recently got an invite through media networking to an online facebook bodyshop party hosted by Marie as we had been chatting and she was hosting one of her online body shop parties.  If you have never done an online party ( I had not before this one) I can say it was lots of fun. We were encouraged to grab ourselves a cuppa and get comfy , had a bit of fun playing some games with the help of a link to one of the current catalogues . We chuckled to ourselves as we found ourselves flipping the virtual pages looking for clues to answer the questions asked by our host. I was lucky and won a couple of on the spot prizes and placed an order for the sleep therapy pack which arrived in a matter of days to my home . I have to say the repackaging is lovely , and the smell as relaxing as ever . I just wanted to thank everyone who took part to make such a fun evening - I was tucked up in bed in my Pjs and my hubby kept glancing over at me wondering what or who was making me laugh so much - it made for a very pleasant change . Virtual parties get the thumbs up from me :-)

My original article when it was known as 'Sleepy Head lavender oil' - thanks to Claire who let me know it was still available under a new name and more products in the range . 

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Your enviroment your wealth - it's your choice!

What would you choose ?
 Yesterday I had to take leave my 7 yr old in the after-school club as I had yet another trip to see my specialist at the hospital and did not want little ears wagging. I was feeling pretty fed up with being passed from one doctor to another and had hoped that I would finally get some answers. Sadly they could not tell me anything I did not already know .  I still have to wait to see if the surgeon has 'any tricks up his sleeve'.
I have successfully chosen to change my environment and lifestyle. I made the choice early on to not drink alcohol as they did not mix with my medication. I chose to fight my illness at every stage and tackled each aggravating factor one at a time. I even found creative ways to get back to do the things that make me happy . So it was not very helpful to be told that a lot of my current ill health were caused during my inactivity and sedentary time in my chair and that many of the symptoms I am left with were caused by the medication I was forced to take for 8 years and the environment I was living in  . He suggested that in general terms  I was a chemically sensitive (which in his view is now under control); and that I must have a  very low pain thresh hold compared to the average person of my age.-  Naturally this made me very angry. I began my rant along the lines of .. I have had 6 children with little or no pain relief, I have even had a wisdom tooth pulled out without any anesthesia - in fact every opportunity I have had I have chosen to not be sedated nor to have any more medication than they felt was absolutely necessary.. I am lucky that my husband has a great sense of humour and as  he got a fit of the giggles he said "well if we had paid privately for all these years of so called medical help I would have demanded  to see a money back guarantee and something in writing telling me I had a choice ! " he then said basically all those fancy words about bowel obstructions and not knowing quite how to proceed, he may as well have said " you're full of sh*t  but you seem to be figuring out how to live with it  . Have a nice day ! "
It is good to laugh when you really have only the choice to laugh or to cry. Only when we are presented with two choices can we make a balanced decision for our wellbeing. Some people go through life without exploring choice. I could have sat in my chair and not tried anything different. I could have chosen to not have children and not expose myself to so many chronic infections - or could I ? How much choice did I have ?I had a lot of information before I had children and I do not regret that choice . I did not know what information I needed to avoid becoming chemically overloaded and no one had offered me any alternatives. A lot of the time I trusted others to make choices for me .It has only been in the last 10 months that I have been encouraged to try new things and have made such a huge change to my environment.  In turn I am determined to continue to help others and offer them some choice.
I just wanted to thank everyone for all their kind wishes and support as this metamorphosis continues 
special thanks to Ces for designing my first little advert to pop onto the Networking Mummies site. I was really chuffed to find that after such a frustrating day  I came home to a lovely set of blogging tools which I had ordered last week from her and cannot wait to see what she has in store for my facebook page .   More choices ahead , but with support and understanding I will get there in the end .This last step towards my wellbeing may be hard but I will not give up . I have the choice of opting for a stoma or finding other ways to deal with my left over symptoms . I will wait until I see the surgeon on the 23rd and with all the information to hand I will once more make a choice.
Do post your comments I would love to hear if you have had choices and whether you feel there are times when you are overwhelmed by choice itself . If you would like to know more about Fibromyalgia, CFS, PIP removal, detoxing your body and your environment a simpler smarter way then do get in touch and I will do the best I can to give you choices and if I can't I will find someone who can !

Thursday, 6 September 2012

My Gut reaction ..Your Gut Instinct !

I do not intend to infringe copyright I merely show this two images so you can see something which I was shown. Many of us have little knowledge as to just how our gut is connected to our brains. We know that we get butterflies when we are anxious, we get pain when we are windy and some of you are lucky to still listen to your tummy when it signals to your brain that you are hungry and need food for energy.  I took my gut for granted . It was only when I began to loose weight rather suddenly and began visiting various doctors and specialists that I began to question at what point did I loose my Gut reaction?  I was diagnosed with IBS several years ago and to my disgust I had to endure 3 years of incontinence pads as I had no control over my bowel. I naturally assumed that when I became mobile things would 'naturally improve'. What I discovered was that I had a deep functional problem which had developed over time slowly confusing the signal to my brain - I ate not when I was hungry but when I was tired, I ate when I was sad and I also ate to celebrate . I stopped listening to my body and then over time became incapable of tuning into it.
I began a detox at first knowing at Christmas that I was one of the PIP ladies who would have to undergo explant I knew I had to do the best I could .  I knew from having tried many diet fads that I could not stick to any of them and due to my fibromyalgia that the advised increase in exercise was a no go area too - so what could I do?  My sister suggested I try a weight management plan and helped me devise a new snack regime , which worked for me . It was trial and error but I not only lost the weight but also began to feel full and satisfied.  My liver has sustained damage as it became sluggish and did not  aid my digestion it lacked the bile it needed. The bile is stored in the gall bladder until you eat food that contains fat. Then after eating it goes into the small intestine where if it is working correctly it should break up the fat and food particles. Into the small intestine it then breaks down into what we know as cholesterol,fat,toxins and wastes.  Fiber binds the cholesterol,fat , toxins and literally sweeps them out of your body.  In comparison the food I chose to snack on and the fibogel I was prescribed as a supplement over the 3 years simply filled me with gas and made me very sick but it was difficult for me to distinguish my sickness as I was on so much pain relief that I was incapable of feeling anything. I only wish someone had tried to show me some alternatives a few years ago when I was wheelchair bound as during this time my body was recirculating the cholesterol waste and toxins into my blood stream. They eventually lead to my liver where once more it was unable to process until enough fiber was digested to remove them from my body or through colonic irrigation at the hospital.
 This year I have had several endoscopic procedures, sigmoidoscopy, colonoscopy and other investigatory work down. I have done the best I can to reverse the damage caused by 3 years of sedentary enforced lifestyle. I only hope that whilst this blog may be a tad shocking or boring that you still have a choice - I urge you to think about your gut reaction - think about feeding and fueling your body regularly - think about how best to help eliminate toxins and most of all value your gut instinct - if you feel sluggish,lethargic ad windy  after a meal something needs addressing - you should feel energized and wide awake so it might be time to look at what you are prepared to change. I help people eliminate chemicals and toxins from their lives because I had to learn the hard way . You can find out more about what I do HERE 

Monday, 3 September 2012

There is more to life than shades of Grey embracing colour and Change!

Thank you to Caroline for my personalised Guardian Angel who inspired todays blog.

Well I finally unwrapped my Guardian Angel painting which I had chosen to have commissioned by a lovely local talented artist who I met through networking mummies Ltd .  I have two daughters who are fascinated with Angels and Auras and they were very keen for me to have my very own Angel to help me through some tough decisions. I have of course always enjoyed paintings particularly those of Angels as I find them very soothing . I have to say I had no idea what to expect so it came as quite a surprise to see how similar my painting was to an aura reading I had done back in 2010 - I dug out the notes on the colours and thought I would add them to my blog as a reminder that things are not always black and white .
Swapping stories over a cuppa x

1st my Head itself  representing thoughts Turquoise is often linked to thoughts about organizing and influencing others. Surrounding my head influencing my thoughts (color of a mustard): pain or lack of ease,possibly anger surpressed.
Then my Body blues  indicating, sustaining life, eased nerve system and energy. People with blue  are relaxed, feel ready to live in a cave and survive, they are born survivors. The mix of colours could indicate the need to relax the nerve system to achieve the balance of the mind or a thought about surviving. On my original reading from 2010 the colours where muddier and I was told that they would clearer within 3 years .
Then my grounding which in my original reading was shades of brown through orange again up through blue and green of the ocean she said they seemed  possibly connected with lots of travel and change or a strong connection to the planet or going green ( at the time of the reading this made no sense to me what soever as back then I was stuck in a wheelchair with nothing on the horizon other than my next nap !) She  had not seen this combination before she also pointed out the amount of white which she had picked up on - funny as Caroline said she had not painted one quite like this before either .She too felt it had something to do with travel and change and my overcoming my time in my chair .Just a coincidence , who knows ? My children loved both the picture and the seemingly connected  aura reading it makes a lovely story to a lovely piece of art - it is a magical  idea to think that we could be surrounded by more colour than we can actually perceive .

 Children live in a world of colour . Why should everything be black and white - there are more than shades of grey to life in between - a rainbow of glorious colours to explore .   If you fancy looking into some auric colour interpretations there is a lovely link that I was given to take a look at . I am sure my girls will continue with their love of angels and a fascination with art and colour and this will be one of many pictures they will cherish as something that they believe is strongly linked to their mummy . Thanks again Caroline for such a personalised experience the girls and I have loved it and we wish you every success with your future portraits .